Update 2024
So, did you know that there was a global pandemic?
It may have started four years ago, but the shockwaves of covid, the lockdown, and the dissolution of so much of what held our world together are still ricocheting through our lives. And, that giant meteor of an event lead to some personal extinctions in my life, and has also lead to some of the greatest opportunities for growth.
Firstly! The extinctions!
If reading about trauma and less-than-rosey realizations is not where you’re at right now, please skip to the bold highlight -
Like the dinosaurs before, shuffling off this mortal coil, it is time to officially announce, without doubt, the extinction of my career as an employee performer in the theater industry. In the over half a decade that I dedicated myself to performing in the theater industry I was able to see, over and over, the wonderful highs of acclaim and expression. I was taken all over the United States, took myself to foreign lands, met a myriad of amazing people, and connected over a deep and meaningful love for story-telling…and I was also exposed to some of the most demeaning, meaninglessly hurtful, impoverished, and unjust experiences I’ve ever lived through.
So, when the theater industry was shut down, I was given the opportunity to reflect: to sit and wrestle with the big questions that the chasing, striving, and working had not allowed me to even touch on previously- Do I want the life that the most successful in my industry lead? Do I hold hope that the person I am- not the person I can pretend to be- is capable of success in this industry? Am I capable of having the impact I crave in life if I maintain this trajectory?- And, when I sat down and actually settled upon answers to those questions, I realized that I had been chasing an illusion for those seven+ years, and, with those rose-colored lenses having been jostled from my eyes in the tremors of that meteor’s impact…well…let’s just say, I was through with playing by the rules of someone else’s games.
Also, as the dodo proceeding it, another grand extinction of my life was the sacrificial nature of my relationships. Stop me if you’ve heard this one: child grows up in emotionally unsafe environment, child craves sustainable safety, child- through trauma responses- mediates their behavior to cater to the emotional instability of those around them, and, finally, child grows up chasing relationships with people who perpetuate the emotional unsafety instead of those who truly value them, meaningfully love them, and support their healthy growth and development. Do you know that script? Tale as old as time?
The meteor of covid stripped bare a lot of our polish and artifice; much of what we’d used to delight and distract us in the before times was blown away, leaving the bare-bone truths of our lives staring us down like a hungry, winged beast. One of those truths for me lay in my accepting of and pursuit of relationships with people who had not, and most likely would never, seek to love me in a meaningful and supportive way. I took hard looks at the people I was “letting into my inner circle” (quote from my therapist - blessings upon her!) and I, again, sat and wrestled with the big questions that the distracting, pretending, and insecurity had not allowed me to even touch on previously- Do the people in my life love me in ways that add value to more than them? Do I hold hope that the person I am- not the person I can pretend to be- is capable of being seen fully and valued in these relationships? Am I capable of building the life and having the impact I crave if I expend all of this energy on maintaining these relationships?- And, again, when I sat down and actually settled upon answers to those questions, I found that so many of the people I’d given access to my innermost circle were not worthy of such a gift, while other zany flying monkeys in my life were ready and willing to teach me to fly…and it was too late to go back to sleep.
Secondly! The growth!
As mammals propagated the earth with the new abundance of resources in light of, well, a lack of competition, the growth in my life has been exponential with the clearing of resource drains! Allow me to extrapolate on my gratitudes: I have just published my first novel (link in the bio on social media and here on my website), I have a home all my own in Rego Park, Queens, my wonderful cat, Tessa, is healthy and sassy as ever, I am currently dating again AND upholding healthy boundaries to set proper expectations, I have a successful and thriving tiktok which is well on the way to a 12k following, after hating my body since puberty I have rid myself of any body dysmorphia and ED and can confidently say that I love this beautiful vessel I live in, I am in the healthiest place I have ever been in with my family, friends, and loved ones, and, my favorite accomplishment, I am growing in my finances, leadership, and relationship due to my ever-growing connection to and education from some amazing multi-millionaires in my life.
Some of these gratitude points and growth victories came from setting aside my ego and distractions long enough to answer those afore-mentioned questions; others came from finally applying the wisdom that those who have the results I’m looking for in life had been pouring into me; and all came from my unabashed admittance that my life is not beholden to others- their approval, lack of doubt, collaboration, or even support- it is contingent upon my alignment with my values- Empathy, Teamwork, Creativity, Love, Unity, Character- and the creation of works that I can look on as perfectly imperfect and necessary expressions of my truest, ephemeral self…because everyone deserves the chance to fly.
I need to say, in the end, that no matter what extinction level events nor malicious tyrants come into your life- no matter what molehill roadblocks nor pot-stirring antagonists- we are all capable of rising above the undesirable circumstances of our lives and taking flight. Whether it be a stepping away from a path that is not leading to a desired destination, a reevaluating of those journeying with you, or even an arrival at the refusal to be anyone but who you truly are- not the person you can pretend to be- please remember that the western sky is waiting for you to take flight…and don’t mind those who think you’re wicked.